Mania

Hello, today has been a pretty manic day. I got a lot done. I wont be able to sleep tonight. I can tell already. My mind is going a million miles an hour. I have so many things I want to get done. This usually means I can hardly move tomorrow. I have to get on the roof to fix a hole so I really hope I can at least do that.

Since my son has moved out there is no one living upstairs. So I cleaned all 4 rooms and cleaned them out. Closets included. Writing is difficult tonight because I have so many things I’m thinking about. It’s very hard to concentrate.

I realized today that I’m not sure what my future holds. I really feel like it holds good things and that I will be able to live a happy life and manage this hellish disease. It wont be easy but it will be a challange and I love a challange.

The challange I am working on now is getting people familiar with this disease. A disease in my brain. That sounds so frightening. It is very frightening. There is a lot of information to look up about it and its overwhelming.

Someone pulled up to the house earlier and got out of the truck. I asked my son why he was driving the truck. It wasn’t my son. It was his friend. I do that a lot but always catch myself, until today. I honestly couldn’t tell the difference. New things crop up all of the time. I used to call it rolling with the punches. Until I realized the punches were coming from a champion fighter.

This all may sound insignificant to some but for me, it’s very very real. I’m in a constant fight with my mind that controls my emotions irratically.

Please follow, share, comment, all of the above. Please help me get this out there.

Have a great night

Get to know me

Hi there! My name is Lori. Im a 48 year old woman with 2 kids. I was diagnosed with Bipolar I think in 2010. I didnt take it seriously and didn’t even tell anyone. I was put on a drug that I took for about 6 months and stopped. So, Let me back up a tad. I have variant angina. That is when your arteries spasm. Sometimes they open right back up and sometimes they open slowly. In 1999 I had a heart attack because my arteries didnt open fast enough. Well, I made it through that. Just a hiccup, right? In 2012 I had a mini stroke. Also due to the variant angina. I wasn’t smart enough to go to the doctor right away because I didn’t realize what happened.

Now, I’ve always been a hard worker, tried to be there for anyone that needed me. I’m a save the world kind of girl. Ok, sorry, back to the stroke. I had time off of work and when I went back I wasn’t ready. I would sit in front of my computer and not be able to make sense of it. I would do things that just didn’t make sense. I did a great job of hiding it for a while but then due to some unfortunate circumstances I quit my job. (not due to me) I was offered a job with a dear friend and it was what I had always wanted. The trouble was I couldn’t do the job. It was the same thing I had done previously. I was so tired and just couldn’t do it. Come to find out I had mono. It came down to a few days before actually starting and other circumstances arose and I had to decline my friends offer. He was furious! Rightly so. I cried for days and lost a very very dear friend.

Finally after getting to the point of no return I drug myself out of bed and went to a doctor. After a few different diagnosis, I was finally diagnosed with Bipolar major depression, Fibromialgia, PTSD and to top it off, Boarderline Personality Disorder with dissociation. I have been hospitalized 3 times. Once because I took WAY to many Alprazolam. The hospital “stays” were disappointing. I think they are all. There needs to be a drastic change in mental health care.

I have been so deep in depression that I know what hell is. I’ve been there. It’s like you’re being pulled into this dangerously black abyss by these boney long fingered hands that make you cold to the bone. They say you feel empty. I never could grasp that until the paralyzing depression started.

These days I have my good days and my bad days. I’m told I’ll have this forever. Well I usually can get 2 good days out of a week but I never know which ones. I used to be punctual to everything. Now, I’m very lucky if I can get out of bed. I cant go to hugely emotional gatherings because then I dissociate. Sometimes I get in my car to go somewhere and I quickly realize I cant drive that day. Go to my safe place you might say. I dont have one. My body has been in fight or flight mode my whole life. It’s decided to start giving out but my mind hasn’t. Racing thoughts, mental fog, confusion, clarity…

So for tonight I’m going to tell you it was a good day. All I can do is pray for tomorrow and leave it in his hands.

I, no, WE have to believe there is hope! No hiding in the shadows. No faking that smile that I know you do. There is hope! Hope for what? I’m not sure but there is always hope. I pray if you read this and are going through this hell of all hells, you will know through my heart that there is hope and love. Don’t give up this fight. We need you in it to make a difference. I’m sharing this with everyone. It’s a HUGE risk. Please know you can ALWAYS reach out to me. on Facebook or through here.

Have a wonderful night and count your blessings.

Lets REALLY get the word out

 I recently attended my son’s high school graduation. His high school years were horrible for him. I was in bed all day and night and couldn’t even get up to cook him meals. Anyway, after the commencement I approached the Superintendent, Principal and the school counselor. They all three knew our situation. I’m 5 foot 1. These strapping men had sheer terror in their eyes. I usually don’t pay much attention to that because I have 2 friends that totally understand me. It sent me into an episode of disassociation. I have no memory of the open house. Thank goodness my friend was helping me.

The question that poses is, if I  am afraid of this, and they are afraid of this, then who the hell is going to make all of us understand.

I am frustrated, confused and just pissed. I’m in communities on facebook. They all want to “stop the stigma” but no one has done a thing. Celebrities come out about it which is great BUT they need backup. We need to go into schools, community outreach areas that are out of the way, clinics to educate staff. Some still think its a cop out. I have to admit that I leaned that way until it happened to me. It hit me like 2×4 to the head. Let me let you in on a secret, Hell is not down below us my friends. It is right in the intimate part of our brains. Bipolar Depression is like having demons holding you down and telling you horrible things about yourself. I used to be a very confident woman.

One particularly bad day, I was staring in my mirror sobbing. Begging god to take me. Begging to make it stop if only for a moment. I still do sometimes. I believe in God and know he is with me but for those of you who don’t, its ok. I respect how you feel and hope you have something to believe in.

I’ll be writing every day. The reason why? We need to do MORE to educate the ones who fear us. Sometimes I think I should stand in a corner somewhere staring at my fingers singing and then twirling. (I’m a bit sarcastic) Then I realize it needs to be talked about everywhere. Like Heart disease, Kidney Failure, Cancer, yes Cancer, Mental Disease is just as common. Yes, Disease. To me an illness is the flu or a cold.

I would love to go out and get the word out. If you feel inclined, please reach out.

(Everything I say in here is purely my opinion.)