Hi there! My name is Lori. Im a 48 year old woman with 2 kids. I was diagnosed with Bipolar I think in 2010. I didnt take it seriously and didn’t even tell anyone. I was put on a drug that I took for about 6 months and stopped. So, Let me back up a tad. I have variant angina. That is when your arteries spasm. Sometimes they open right back up and sometimes they open slowly. In 1999 I had a heart attack because my arteries didnt open fast enough. Well, I made it through that. Just a hiccup, right? In 2012 I had a mini stroke. Also due to the variant angina. I wasn’t smart enough to go to the doctor right away because I didn’t realize what happened.
Now, I’ve always been a hard worker, tried to be there for anyone that needed me. I’m a save the world kind of girl. Ok, sorry, back to the stroke. I had time off of work and when I went back I wasn’t ready. I would sit in front of my computer and not be able to make sense of it. I would do things that just didn’t make sense. I did a great job of hiding it for a while but then due to some unfortunate circumstances I quit my job. (not due to me) I was offered a job with a dear friend and it was what I had always wanted. The trouble was I couldn’t do the job. It was the same thing I had done previously. I was so tired and just couldn’t do it. Come to find out I had mono. It came down to a few days before actually starting and other circumstances arose and I had to decline my friends offer. He was furious! Rightly so. I cried for days and lost a very very dear friend.
Finally after getting to the point of no return I drug myself out of bed and went to a doctor. After a few different diagnosis, I was finally diagnosed with Bipolar major depression, Fibromialgia, PTSD and to top it off, Boarderline Personality Disorder with dissociation. I have been hospitalized 3 times. Once because I took WAY to many Alprazolam. The hospital “stays” were disappointing. I think they are all. There needs to be a drastic change in mental health care.
I have been so deep in depression that I know what hell is. I’ve been there. It’s like you’re being pulled into this dangerously black abyss by these boney long fingered hands that make you cold to the bone. They say you feel empty. I never could grasp that until the paralyzing depression started.
These days I have my good days and my bad days. I’m told I’ll have this forever. Well I usually can get 2 good days out of a week but I never know which ones. I used to be punctual to everything. Now, I’m very lucky if I can get out of bed. I cant go to hugely emotional gatherings because then I dissociate. Sometimes I get in my car to go somewhere and I quickly realize I cant drive that day. Go to my safe place you might say. I dont have one. My body has been in fight or flight mode my whole life. It’s decided to start giving out but my mind hasn’t. Racing thoughts, mental fog, confusion, clarity…
So for tonight I’m going to tell you it was a good day. All I can do is pray for tomorrow and leave it in his hands.
I, no, WE have to believe there is hope! No hiding in the shadows. No faking that smile that I know you do. There is hope! Hope for what? I’m not sure but there is always hope. I pray if you read this and are going through this hell of all hells, you will know through my heart that there is hope and love. Don’t give up this fight. We need you in it to make a difference. I’m sharing this with everyone. It’s a HUGE risk. Please know you can ALWAYS reach out to me. on Facebook or through here.
Have a wonderful night and count your blessings.